The Power to Choose (TPTC Preview I)
The following is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, provisionally titled The Power to Choose, which I plan to publish in 2020. This introduction was shared in December 2019, but in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, I decided to publish subsequent parts of the book, in case it might help people deal with the unprecendented uncertainty and complexity of the situation. Links to the subsequent chapters can be found at the bottom of this article.
I didn’t mean to write a book. It first came into my mind when Joel Monk, my coach at the time, asked me what I would be excited to share with him if we met up several months later. It turned out, somewhat as a surprise to me, that I would be excited to share that I had written a book. I hadn’t thought about it seriously before that moment and I’m not sure where it came from, but as we discussed it further the topic of what became this book emerged.
Several years before that, I had faced what the psychologist and author Robert Holden calls an ‘involuntary stop’. The world moves so fast these days that many of us fail to notice what is happening to us, running along at breakneck pace without ever really checking if we want to be going in that direction in the first place. If we are lucky, or wise, we sometimes make a voluntary stop, slowing down and taking perspective. For many of us, however, it takes some form of adversity to stop us in our tracks. For me, it was the end of a relationship which had lasted since I was at university: at the time almost my whole adult life. The break-up seemed to come from nowhere and it disrupted my past, present and future. The gift of it – which, once the pain slowly died down, I could begin to see – was that I started to look at things differently.
In particular, after that involuntary stop I began to crave to understand myself and the world on a deeper level and, over the years that followed, the new ways I found of looking at the world seemed to make all the difference across my life. The topic of the book, which emerged through my conversation with Joel, was to find out: is this new way of looking at the world valid?
The ideas in this book have left me happier and more fulfilled than at any previous point in my life. I have increased the impact I make through my work and enjoy it more than ever before; I have a better and more fulfilling romantic relationship; I engage with the political world with less anxiety; I am more courageous and more skilful across my life. I feel better about myself – and life as a whole – more of the time.
This shift has been transformational for me and that’s what this book is about: it’s about sharing this way of looking at the world with you.
Giving Your Gifts
When I was in my early 20s, I wanted to be an actor. I was probably good enough, too. One year, I almost got into four of the United Kingdom’s top five drama schools. I was in final rounds, on shortlists, on reserve lists. I didn’t get a place, though, and as I reflected over the next year, I realised that a career as an actor may not have fulfilled me.
Strangely, this realisation came to me when I first watched The West Wing, one of my all-time favourite TV shows, following the fictional President Bartlet and his senior staff. I say ‘strangely’ because up until that point in my life, it was seeing amazing pieces of television, film or theatre which inspired me most towards a career as an actor. But as I watched The West Wing I realised something different: yes, taking part in a piece of art as influential as that would be an amazing way to make an impact on the world, but not as amazing as working in the actual White House. I had more gifts than just my ability to act and, as I discovered the fickle nature of the acting world (remarkably, I didn’t get through a single audition as I applied to drama schools the following year) I also realised that to be fulfilled I wanted to make sure I was having as big an impact as I could. Not only might that be in the real world, and not as a character in a show, but I felt that in the real world I would have much more control over using my gifts (my career wouldn’t be ruled nearly as much by the whims of a casting director).
I shifted my focus and began a career as a leader in arts and culture. My next two jobs were managing and running arts centres leading teams of staff and volunteers (while briefly thinking of myself as the Yorkshire art scene’s answer to Josh Lyman, President Bartlet’s bolshy but effective Deputy Chief of Staff).
Then came the break-up and, forced by that shock to stop and look at my life, I saw something about my work. Whilst I was using more of my gifts than I might have as an actor, I was tired. Exhausted in fact. At times I found myself anxious and stressed about my work, worrying at weekends, unable to sleep. And somehow I didn’t want to end up, down the road, in the arts jobs that had once felt like a dream to me.
I started to see that the contribution I was making in the arts wasn’t fulfilling me and I began to be seduced by ideas like the one that I first heard from the Integral Coach Brett Thomas: that there might be a sweet spot where our skills, what we enjoy and the way we contribute to the world all meet. I set off in search of that and, several years later, found myself working as a leadership coach.
That was the first gift of the involuntary stop: it gave me the space and perspective to take action in my life, to choose something different.
But that was only part of the gift. I also realised that part of the reason I was struggling and – particularly – the reason I found myself stressed and anxious was down to the way I looked at the world, the way I thought about it. Not only that, but the way I was responding to the world was hampering my ability to give my gifts. I was wasting time and energy in worry and stress, and when I was like this I couldn’t be as creative or decisive or skilful as when I was at my best. I wasn’t being effective.
It was here, in shifting my internal experience of the world, that my most impactful work was done. Over the following years I developed a series of ideas which helped me to live life less and less from a place of stress, anxiety and exhaustion, and more and more from a place of possibility. I was able to be more skilful, whatever the world threw at me, and make an even bigger contribution. This was vital, because as I pursued the path of giving my gifts, I faced challenges and crises of confidence and self-belief. If you want to give your gifts, then you will face those challenges too. The ideas that could shift me to more possibility in those moments of struggle were fundamental, and I’ll share those ideas with you in Part One of this book.
I then took those ideas and applied them in different parts of my life, in particular my career and my romantic relationship, but also as I interacted with the increasingly polarised modern political world. I’ll share what I learnt as I did that in Parts Two and Three.
That, then, is what this book is about: it’s about how to create shifts in the outside world and in your internal world, too.
The Complex World
One of the great pleasures of my work as a coach is to get to spend time in the company of some of the leading thinkers in my field. As I was working on a draft of this book, I took part in a training course on the cutting edge of adult psychological development and coaching. Adult psychological development is, in essence, the process by which we develop our sense of perspective on the world; the stages of different ways of thinking that we go through in our lives. At the simplest level, as we develop we can see things more clearly and from more and more different angles.
I had up to that point been sceptical of the societal narrative that the world is faster and more complex than ever. I think part of this is because, by the time I entered the world of work, computers were already in existence and smartphones weren’t too far behind. For those of an older generation, who remember how different it was before those devices, of course it is clear just how different things are now. I began to see the truth of the challenges of complexity as, in my work with leaders and entrepreneurs, I saw again and again how the technology and pace of the modern world can lead to incredibly complex, high pressure situations, and how beneficial it is to have the voluntary stop of a coaching session to slow down and take stock. Due to the power of modern technology, as more people around the world get connected to the disruptive and innovative powers of the internet, the change will only continue to accelerate.
In her book Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps: How to Thrive in Complexity, consultant and researcher Jennifer Garvey Berger, who was on the teaching faculty of the Adult Development course I took part in, unpacks the ways that the human brain falls foul of complexity in the modern world. As I read her book, I realised that many of the lessons in it were also the lessons in this book. Although I hadn’t realised it at the time, in the preceding years I had been working through the challenges of being a human, with a brain evolved for simpler times, in a complex world.
Those challenges are many but particularly, perhaps, focus on the ways we get side-tracked by instinct and caught up in simple ways of looking at the world when more complex ones are needed. Indeed, according to Garvey Berger and other developmental psychologists, it is the increasingly complex nature of the world that is calling us all to develop ourselves, to see things from more angles and with greater perspective.
I had seen this with my clients. So many of the things people wanted, the challenges they faced, were almost impossible. How do you get ‘clarity’ about what a choice would mean in a world where there are more moving parts than at any point in history? How do you develop a plan for the future when uncertainty in everything from the job market to the political landscape seems to be on the rise? How do you manage your time when the technology we use is designed by the cleverest people on the planet specifically to grab and keep our attention?
In the complexity of the modern world, many of the ways humans have traditionally worked through these challenges no longer work: clarity, plans and many techniques for managing our time catch us out as often as they help. What I learned – and what Garvey Berger and others share in their work – is that instead you need to create the conditions for good things to happen. You become more aware of yourself and the world and therefore less likely to become side-tracked. You work to become nimbler and more skilful, both in your own internal experience (the world inside you) and outside yourself as you interact with the world. You become more in tune with what you want, deep down, so that when opportunities arise you can take them (or say ‘No’ to them, whichever is the right choice for you). You become more responsive and more responsible for yourself. That was the journey that I had been on.
As I realised that the faculty on the adult development training course were speaking about some of the same ideas that I had come to as I wrote this book, I got the answer to the question I had asked with Joel: is this new way of looking at the world valid? Well, according to some of the leading thinkers at the forefront of my field, it was not only valid, it was vital. Not just for me, but for the leaders, entrepreneurs and coaches that I worked with. And not just for them, for all of us, as we try to survive and then thrive – in ourselves, in our work, in our relationships – in a complex world.
That, too, is what this book is about: it’s about how to thrive in all parts of our lives in a world of uncertainty and complexity.
Make Things Better, and Don’t Make Things Worse
In the Hero’s Journey – the pattern of story popularized by Joseph Campbell – just as the hero most needs it, she or he receives supernatural aid. In my journey to writing this book, one moment of supernatural aid arrived as I came across the work of futurist and thinker Jordan Hall. In a world of increasing complexity, with high fears that humanity could make itself extinct through weapons or environmental catastrophe, and with political uncertainty seemingly on the increase, what can we do? His answer is straightforward. In essence, we each do our best; that, after all, is all we can do. To do that, you must first understand what makes up the unique mix of skills and gifts that only you have, and then find the place in the world which needs them, bringing to bear the fullest aspect of what you have to offer.
That is the journey I have been on in my own life and it is where my work with clients has become more and more focused. Supporting them to use their strengths and gifts, to find – in the phrase coined by psychotherapist Gay Hendricks – their Zone of Genius.
Then, continues Hall, you must make sure that in each moment you are making the best choice with the highest degree of skilfulness you can. That way you are doing the best you can to contribute using your gifts, but more than that, you are doing the best you can to contribute skilfully so that you know (as far as you can) that you are making things better, and not making them worse.
That, too, is what this book is about: it’s about how to make sure you are doing the best you can to make the world a better place by giving your gifts and giving them skilfully.
Who Knows How Long We Have to Steady This Ship?
When I started writing this book, I was worried that if it took a long time to come out (which of course it has) it would become less and less relevant. In the end, it feels like it becomes more relevant by the day.
Institutions that looked like they would last forever a few years ago no longer look so permanent. The European Union, the main political parties in both the United Kingdom and the United States, even democracy itself, all seem to have uncertain futures. There seems to be a crisis of trust in institutions, with low trust for politics, the media and academia. Social media is having strange effects on our mental health, our attention spans and the way we consume news. Each of these problems and more not only seem enormous but also incredibly complex.
In order to meet these challenges, we need people who can use their gifts to make things better. We need skilful and responsive leaders: in politics and business and charities, yes, but also in homes, schools and workplaces across the world. It is down to each of us to lead in our lives, to be as responsive and skilful as we can and to support others to do the same. We are all on this ship together; who knows how long we have to steady it?
That, perhaps above all, is what this book is about.
It is about how to live more as what I call the Higher Self. Others use different words for this: some call it ‘centred’; Jordan Hall calls it ‘sovereign’. It is the state you are in when you are responding from the wisest and most skilful place in yourself, when you are responding with grace, elegance and strength to whatever life throws at you. It is a place of presence, of flow and of possibility.
There are times when life feels different to me, times when feelings of grace, elegance, strength and possibility make me feel like a different person. I behave differently and respond differently: I am clearer and braver and more loving. It is the noblest, wisest part of me; the kind of person I would like others to see me as; the kind of person I am proud to be. That is what it means to be living as my Higher Self.
In order to live more and more as our Higher Selves, we have to understand what I will call the Deeper Self. One of the things which I will explore over the course of this book is how our behaviour is often governed by unconscious parts of us. That is, by instincts that we aren’t even aware of but that lead us to behave in certain ways. A key part of the journey to spending more time as our Higher Selves is to become increasingly aware of when our instincts are at play, increasingly aware of our Deeper Selves. In our Deeper Selves are the values at our core, the things which matter most to us. And, in our Deeper Selves are the evolutionary instincts from our ancestors and the safety mechanisms and patterns we learned as children and adolescents. At times in our history or childhood these things kept us safe, but each are sometimes short-circuited in the complex adult world.
As we grow to know our Deeper Selves, we become more aware of our values and our patterns. With greater awareness, we are no longer ruled by them: we can notice them, step outside them and act from a place of perspective. In a complex world, our instincts can swiftly sweep us along, triggering us into behaviours and reactions before we know what is happening. This, often, is where we respond from the baser parts of ourselves, where we do the things we regret, where we act without skill and make things worse in our work, our relationships or the world.
Each time I or my clients look inside ourselves with curiosity, we learn something new. With greater knowledge of ourselves we become bigger, more grounded and more in control of our lives and our responses. Whether we learn something good or not so good about ourselves, understanding those things – understanding our Deeper Selves – makes us more rooted in who we are and gives us more or swifter access to our Higher Selves.
That is what this book is about: understanding our Deeper Selves and living more and more as our Higher Selves.
Perspectives and Possibility
Throughout this book, you will find me inviting you into new perspectives on everything from the way you think, to the way you relate to others, to the way you relate to parts of yourself. Each time, you will have the opportunity to choose. First, to choose whether to engage with the new perspectives I am inviting you into. Then, if you come with me on the journey into seeing new perspectives you may be blessed with one of the most exciting feelings I know, one which feels inextricably linked to the idea of the Higher Self. I refer to this feeling as possibility and I wish you many, many moments of it over the following chapters.
It is – for many of us – a physical feeling, almost an emotion. It is a feeling of creativity, of freedom, of choice.
Many of us spend much of our time in a space opposite to possibility: a space of scarcity. The human condition of scarcity is – for the most part – an outdated concept, a gift from evolution for times when we had to fight tooth and nail for survival. In scarcity, we are focused on winning or losing, on others failing so we can succeed, on what we don’t have. From here, our evolutionary or childhood instincts can take over and it is hard to be our skilful, noble Higher Self. The complexity of the modern world takes us into scarcity far more than is helpful. It is an unpleasant, stressful place to be. The ideas of this book, individually and combined, are designed to give you the space and perspectives to shift from scarcity to the possibility of our Higher Selves.
That is what this book is about.
A Starting Point
This book is a starting point. It may be, I hope, a voluntary stop for some of you. An opportunity for you to take these ideas and create change in your life. I hope, too, that you will make that a change for the better by becoming more your noble, wise Higher Self. I hope you make those changes for yourself, for your loved ones and for the world. I hope you will step up, because the world needs you to: we need more nimble, noble people acting with elegance and grace across all parts of our societies.
We need you at your best. We need you at your most skilful and wise.
My journey to live increasingly as my Higher Self is far from finished. But what pleases me – and this is true for all the principles in this book – is to be moving onwards in the direction that I believe is right, towards that Higher Self. I am my Higher Self more this year than I was last year, and far more than I was before that involuntary stop. I am doing better today than I did yesterday and the day before and the day before that, and that is what matters.
No one knows which one of us will change or save the world. The chances are – in a world as large and complex as ours – that it will be no single person. It will be all of us together. Taking brave and heroic decisions in organisations, in schools, in workplaces and in homes across the world. Being better today than we were yesterday and the day before that.
To change the world together, to steady the ship we are all on, we need you to be the best and most skilful that you can. And we need you now.
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This post is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, provisionally titled The Power to Choose, which I plan to publish in 2020. I originally shared only this article in December 2019, but in March 2020 decided to share several other sections from the book in response to the coronavirus outbreak, in case they might help people deal more skilfully with the uncertainty and complexity of the situation. PDFs of the complete preview are available to download here, in case you want to read it all in one go. The rest of the preview is available via the links below: