Why is Some Feedback Hard to Take?

First published on April 26, 2017

Recently, someone pointed out to me a kind of tick I sometimes have. It's a particular kind of in-breath that I sometimes take, sharply, often through my teeth. I think I do it when I'm asked a question I don't know the answer to, and am buying myself time. In this case, it was even more noticeable than usual because it was happening into a microphone over a Skype call. 

She followed this up by asking if anyone had mentioned this to me before. And at this point, I lied, or mumbled something about 'maybe', or 'people have said something like that'. Now I don't often lie, and I'm not often that flustered by something, so this got me curious.

And I reflected on it a few times in the next few days. Noticing the feeling of discomfort that came up, repeatedly, when I remembered it. Trying to spot it in my everyday speech. Suddenly becoming more aware of all my verbal ticks - all the 'so's, and 'kind of's, and 'really's that fit in around my words. 

Now not all feedback throws me like this, so why did this make such an impact? And why does pointing out someone's ticks often have such an impact? Because I've seen it for more than one friend or colleague in the past. And why does it not matter a jot to me when my coach tells me about any number of strange and wonderful things that I do without thinking in his presence? From the way I talk, to the expressions I have, to everything in between. And why can my supervision group talk quite openly about my coaching, which is so important to me, without leaving me lost in my head as this observation about a sharply taken in-breath had?

And I should say, this feedback was kindly given, by a very charming woman. And she gave it to help me prepare for recording a video: she was helping, and it was helpful.

Well, here are my thoughts. Feedback hurts and confuses us when we feel judged. When we feel ourselves, our actual unique selves, is being judged. At that point, we feel that the core of our being, built over many years and decades, is being pointed at. And we're being told to change it. Because our speech patterns are so much a part of us. So much a key part of how we show the world who we really are. I felt like I was being told that I wasn't good enough. I needed to be changed to be accepted. And without the trust and love that I have for my coach and my supervision group, even when delivered skilfully, that hurts. 

So feedback hurts when we feel who we are is being judged. And when we don't feel enough trust to hear the love behind that feedback.