Be More Kind

First published on September 7, 2018

It takes commitment to change. It always has, and it always will.

Steven Pinker, in his fascinating book The Better Angels of Our Nature, talks about the process of civilisation being one of resisting our natural, animal instincts. Each time we resist our baser instincts, we move further from the incredibly brutal history of our race, into the far more peaceful and safer world that we (and by 'we' I mean almost certainly all of the people reading this) currently inhabit.

For those of us lucky to live in Western Europe, (as well of course as in many other nations around the world,) over generations our societies have given us the opportunity to live more and more from our higher selves - our creative, ingenious, loving selves - and less and less from our baser instincts - those where we cause pain and destruction, even in small ways, for ourselves and others.

I was reading recently about changing habits: that the best way to change a habit is to replace it with a different habit. (Interestingly, the writer, Steve Chandler, said the difficulty of changing a habit is not affected by the length of time you have had that habit, but that's another story.) Today, as I considered some of the exchanges and vitriol that happens in our society (it may or may not surprise you that I was checking Twitter at the time), and also some of the times my baser instincts emerge, I considered creating a new habit. It was helped along - as many parts of my thinking are - by the words of Frank Turner.

Here is the thought that came to mind. What would happen if, every time I felt myself shifting into the kind of person I don't want to be - in particular, when I feel my anger and irritation rising to the point where I may cause pain and hurt, and I find myself lashing out with words - I leaned, instead into kindness? And further, what would happen if each of us committed that each time we find ourselves on the edge of being critical or hurtful or destructive, we instead took a breath and thought: "Wait. Instead, how can I be more kind?"

The question is one I like: this is not necessarily about being perfectly kind, it is about being more kind. Resisting that instinct just a little more than we would have otherwise. Making a small change. Each time. Except the times when we don't, of course, when we slip in our commitment. Then we just need to recommit.

And then each of us, resisting those baser instincts and behaviours, and leaning into our more loving, creative, kinder higher selves, will take the whole world that little step further into civilisation.

Because that's how it works. It doesn't work by someone declaring something from on high, or even from a referendum result or an election, it works when many, many normal, ordinary people like you and I take a stand in our lives. When each of us, every day, is more kind.