It's Important to Think About How You Handle Endings

First published on July 14, 2021

It’s useful to think about how you handle endings. My old coach, Rich, is fond of saying ‘How we do anything is how we do everything,’ and one of the places I have most found this to be true is endings.

Here’s how I do endings:

I have never broken up with any of the girlfriends I have had in my life.

I am always the person, at the end of a night out, part of the final conversation on the final street corner before the final people go their separate ways.

I let one coffee conversation with a friend run long, even if it means keeping my next friend waiting.

A few weeks ago, when I met up with some old friends for the first time in eighteen months, I was part of the last few of us, drinking coffee and having brunch when everyone else had left. And then, I was the last in the carpark once the others had driven away.

How we do anything is how we do everything.

As I have grown, and developed, I have had to be careful of this. At first, the coaching sessions I had with clients would often run long. Sometimes, this is wise: finishing the work, not cutting the client off, getting what might be the vital insight of the conversation clear for them so they can use it in their lives.

Sometimes, it is less wise. If how I do anything is how I do everything, what if I am just hanging onto the end of the coaching session for the same reason that I have hung onto relationships, nights out, coffee conversations and weekends away?

In my client work, I need to know myself, so that I can know what is happening for others.

Sometimes, with clients, it is their ending patterns that come to light. Perhaps, I see how their commitment to our conversations is waning. Or they just stop showing up. Or they disappear off the face of the earth. I wonder, is this how they end things? Sometimes I might ask them, if the opportunity presents itself. How do your relationships tend to end?

Ever since one of my first coaches created a beautiful ending to our work together, I have always tried to do that in my client work. What would a perfect ending to this work be?

Things end. Relationships, nights out, coffee conversations, weekends away, coaching conversations. Life ends.

Better, by far, to think about that than to ignore it and hope for the best.

Like any longstanding pattern, there are times when my ending pattern is wonderful. It’s how I formed my friendship with my brother-in-law, as the last two in the pub on many an evening. It’s how I know I’m there for the people I am present with: I’ll be here while you need me.

But, like any longstanding pattern, there are times when it doesn’t serve me anymore. If how I do anything is how I do everything then, somewhere in my life, I am hanging onto things that I should have ended. Or perhaps I am present with the person I am with, but that is less important than the fact I am letting down the person I am not with.

What’s your ending pattern? Where is it supporting you? Where is it taking care of you? And where is it costing you? Where is it letting you down?