Take the Courageous Step, Away from the Comfort of Resentment and Criticism, and Ask What You Could Learn

First published on October 13, 2021

Once we have been a certain way for a long time, it can be hard to remember that other people aren't like that. It can be hard, too, to remember that we weren't always like that.

As Fred Kofman memorably said in a training course I took last year, we can't control the outcomes for ourselves in our life, no matter how much we are the player. But we can control whether we act in line with our values. That is always within our control, no matter what challenges we are faced with, no matter how hard or out of control things may be.

That kind of attitude opens things up for us in almost any situation.

And, it occurred to me this week, so does an attitude of learning. That's the attitude, the way I have been, for so long that it's hard to remember that others don't always see things like that.

It probably started with the curiosity of my parents, and the way that they encouraged my curiosity as I grew. And the flames of that learning attitude were certainly fanned as I moved into working in learning and development. I remember, when I worked at Clore Leadership Programme, Isabel Mortimer advising participants on one of the Clore courses that I visited to bring what I now call a frame of learning to the whole of the course. Isabel explained, in essence, that even in a session which we think we know lots about, there is the chance to learn. Even if we are already an expert on the content being taught, we can learn from the presenter. Even if we don't like what the presenter is doing, we can think about what we can learn, what we would do differently if we were teaching this. No matter what, we can learn.

We never know what moment in a training course will ripple on down the years, which moment we'll still be thinking of - or even teaching - at a later date. But we know if we don't listen, if we aren't open to the insights, then nothing will ripple down the years. Or at least, we can know that.

That, like Kofman's 'live your values' is an infinite game we can play. There is no end to learning, and we humans are wired to learn. We learn before we can talk, before we even know what talking is like. And we can continue to learn until the day we die, if we choose to.

When I come across someone who has closed off to learning in a situation, it reminds me that I haven't always been as open and as ready for learning as I am now. It is still a surprise to remember that: I've trained myself to see the possibilities in situations, to see the opportunities - for learning and more. To have a conversation with someone who isn't interested in finding the possibilities in something catches me off guard. It reminds me that sometimes it is easier and more comfortable to resent the situation and suffer through it than to look for the way to create something out of it. That, as Kofman might say, playing the victim is comfortable. It's like drinking coke when you're thirsty: delicious, but it will never quench your thirst.

The path of the player, the person creating their own life, the person choosing, is a path of infinite games. A path of living their values. A path of learning.

Curiosity is the antidote to our contractions. Curiosity is the capacity that enables growth. Curiosity is something you can allow - I'm not even sure you need to develop it. I feel like it is probably always there, waiting for you. If you let it out. If you take the courageous step away from the comfort of resentment and criticism and ask what you could learn, ask what opportunities could be present... if you let them be present.