Three Ways To Have More Integrity
First published on July 10, 2019
The truth matters.
Recently in the UK, I've noticed people have been particularly criticising politicians for lying. What I've noticed, though, is that it isn't just them.
Once you make a commitment to telling the truth in your life, things look quite different. I remember talking to a client about this last year. He had been reading 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. One of Peterson's rules - in probably the most profound chapter of a fascinating book - is tell the truth - or, at least, don't lie.
The client had noticed, after reading this, just how often he didn't quite tell the truth, all these lies just slipping out. Once he told me about it - and certainly after I read the book later last year - I started to noticing that I was the same. So often, a lie would come out of my mouth without me noticing.
Sometimes it was the lazy usage of a word. Sometimes it was out of politeness, pretending not to know something as a way to hide my gifts. Sometimes it was some weirdpoliteness/obsession with time (apologising for the delay in emails which weren't that late anyway). But it happened a lot, and changing it was hard.
It was hard because it was instinctual. Psychologist Jonathan Haidt uses the metaphor of an elephant and a rider to describe the rational and instinctual part of the brain. In his book The Righteous Mind, he tells a fascinating story about how his subconscious invented an entirely false story to explain to his wife why he hadn't done the washing up. It was entirely plausible - about the dog and the child and something else - and entirely false. And it was only because he was working on writing about the instinctual and rational minds at the timethat he even noticed.
So, our instincts sometimes lie before we have even noticed. And it's hard to get an elephant to change direction.
The problem is that integrity leaks out of us when we don't tell the truth and when we give our word and we don't keep it. You know the feeling, the nagging worry 'I said I'd get back to Robbie by Tuesday and now it's Friday'. Or 'I said I'd do that thing for my aunt and I haven't, and it's been months now.'
The language we use to ourselves matters: try saying "I get to exercise" instead of "I have to exercise", or "I could eat a bit more healthily" instead of "I should eat a bit more healthily". It feels different. If our word means nothing - if we aren't truthful - then what do we have? If we don't tell the truth to ourselves then how do we know what is real?
Here, then, are three suggestions for bringing more integrity in your life:
Tell the truth - or, at least, don't lie. Do this everywhere you can, whenever you notice it. Notice it in writing, notice it in person. The one I'm trying to stop right now is saying 'See you soon' to people I will almost certainly never see again. Stop the leaks of integrity.
Make commitments well: it's hard to keep your word if the commitment you have made is so vague you don't know if you've kept it or not. How do we know if you've kept your word to get back to me if we didn't agree when you would come back to me by? Make commitments that count.
Make amends. Make a list of all the times you can think of that you haven't kept your word. The book you borrowed and never gave back, the time you stood someone up, the job you said you'd do for your aunt, the £5 you owe Steve, the person you said you'd reply to and haven't. Make the list and then work through them. Honour your word, even if you haven't kept it.