What to Do When You Can't Control the Outcome of the Situation

First published on February 24, 2021

One of the many, many, many lessons from the last year or so has been that so much is out of our individual control. This is one of the toughest lessons to be reminded of, especially when in so much of our lives, remembering that we can be a player in the game of our life is one of the most important lessons we can learn.

But when government guidelines, employment practices and entire industries can change overnight, that poses a particular problem for humans. As Jennifer Garvey Berger outlines in her book, Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps, we have evolved - in simpler times - to seek control. This makes so much sense in a simpler world, but in a world like today's, seeking control can tie us in knots. And she wrote that before the pandemic struck.

In the face of a complex situation, whilst we can (and should) point ourselves at an outcome that we want, we often find the outcome we want out of our control. In that case, I have found it incredibly useful to remember that whilst I can't always control the outcome, I can always control the process. And the way that author and consultant Fred Kofman helps his clients to see this is to ask the question: What would you need to do so that even if you didn't get the outcome, you would still feel at peace with yourself?

The power of this question, which I now ask regularly of clients, is to remind us of what is important to us. In the present, yes, but also in the long term. As Kofman might say: we can't always control the outcomes, but we can always control whether we act in line with our values.

Considering this question I realised I had used it (unknowingly) as I built my business. I can't control whether a potential client becomes an actual client, no matter how well I speak to them and no matter how perfect I may think they would be to work with me. But I can control how I am in my conversations with them: I can be at peace with myself if I have given my all, been true to my values, and created possibility in for future work with or future referrals from everyone I meet.

I can't control whether a client I work with will finish our engagement or quit early. But I can control how I handle it if they do want to finish our work early. I can create a contract and a way of working which uses the end of our work to support them, and leaves them so satisfied with the end of our work that we might do further work in the future (or they might refer other work to me).

And I should say, I learned both those lessons the hard way: I learned them by having conversations with potential clients - and clients who stopped our work early - where I behaved in ways that didn't leave me at peace with myself, ways that I regretted. That, of course, is the great gift of regret: it allows us to say, 'Never again'.

But this question - what would I need to do so that even if I don't get the outcome I want, I would still feel at peace with myself? - holds power in all parts of our lives, and can illuminate what really matters to us, just as knowing what matters to us can illuminate what would leave us at peace, no matter the outcome.

This not an easy challenge to accept, but it is an important one. How can we live with honour, live in a way that leaves us within our integrity? How can we honour the values that matter most to us?

I would love to say that doing this in the end leads to the success and the outcomes that we want. But I don't know if that's true. Even when I have left interactions at peace with myself, they haven't always left feeling how I would want them to feel. But that, indeed, is the game.

And what I do know is that behaving in these ways, in line with my values, helps me not question the work I have done and the decisions I have made nearly as much. And it helps me have a different kind of success, what Kofman would call success beyond success. And, underneath, for me, that's more important than how many clients I have, or how much money I have, or if everything turned out as I hoped it would.