You Can't Make Someone Else Happy

First published on September 18, 2019

Here's a thought I had recently: What if it's not possible to make someone happy? What if that just isn't possible. In the end, what if they have to make themselves happy?

Here's the difference I think it makes. First, we can remove from ourselves the blame that someone we love or care about isn't happy. It's not our fault. Wait, is that right? At least, I think, we can say, 'it's not all our fault'.

And, if we don't have that blame, and if we can't make someone we love or care about happy, what can we do? Well, we can start, I think, by doing our absolute best not to make them less happy or more unhappy. That's a start, and that's better than nothing.

Maybe, we can even do our best to make them a little happier. A little more happy than they would be if we weren't here. That's better than nothing, too.

I think this distinction is important for three reasons: first, it relieves us of the pressure in our relationships that it's all on us. It's never all on you in a relationship with anyone. At the very least, it is on both of you.

And, it reminds us that it's not all on them, either. It's a relationship between two people (and I don't just mean a romantic relationship here, it could be any relationship). Both of you have contributed to what has been formed so far and both of you are creating the interaction now. At the very least, it's on both of you.

And, it gives us a place to go. We can do something. At the very least, at the times when people we care about are struggling, are unhappy, let's make sure we are doing everything we can to not make things worse. Or, to make things that tiny bit better than they would be without us.

The first step in that is what I write about in my book - provisionally titled The Power to Choose - which I will be releasing in some form by the end of the year. It's about making sure we are acting as the highest parts of ourselves - the wisest, most skilful, noblest parts of us - that we can at any time. Jordan Hall calls this being sovereign.

There are steps you need to take to do this. Here are some of the most important ones. Make sure your physical energy is looked after: eat, sleep, drink water. Do work on yourself to understand what patterns you are bringing to interactions with others, either from earlier parts of your life or from our evolutionary past. Bring an assumption to your interactions with others: What if they are doing their best? Accept that all you can do, in this moment, is be the wisest and most skilful person you can be and give from that place.

You can't make someone happy. In the end, they have to do their own work to do that. They have the power to choose and in those moments they have to use it. Life may make being happy now feel impossible for them. But it rarely makes it impossible to be 'happier' or 'less happy'. So take your responsibility seriously: don't be the person that makes them less happy, at least. Be skilful. And if you can, be someone who makes them just a tiny bit happier than they would have been without you, in whatever way you can. Be noble. Be wise.