Our Power to Create Our Own Reality

First published on September 26, 2017

Here's a phrase I hadn't thought about much before yesterday: 'You don't want that.' It could be a father, say, looking after his son or daughter when she reaches for a snack that is too sweet to eat or a DVD that it's too late to watch. Or a girlfriend to a boyfriend, about what he suggests doing, or where he suggests going.

I heard Katie Hendricks talking about it on the Coaches Rising podcast. She was talking about it because some of the work she does as a coach is helping people get in touch with what they want. She says we aren't good at knowing that, and part of that is because of phrases like 'You don't want that.'

That phrase brings up an almost physical reaction in me, as I write it now. A rising feeling inside, which is getting ready to shout 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!' 

But most of the time that isn't what I have said during my life when people gave said that, or things like it, to me. Mostly, people say it with such force, or confidence, or calm that I just believe them, until it's much later, and I'm wondering why I did or didn't do or say something in particular, something that I wanted to.

Of course that phrase is delivered with love, almost always. The person delivering it usually isn't thinking 'I want to suppress this person's ability to understand what they want,' or 'I want to impress my values on this person.' Maybe sometimes they are. Mostly they are thinking - and really saying - 'I don't want that person to have or want that.' Sometimes that is because 'I don't think it's in the best interests of that person to have that thing.'

But language matters. If you're like me, with freedom and agency at the core of your values - in fact, as I've written elsewhere, I think much of the hopelessness and pain in the world comes when people don't feel or have the freedom and agency that humans crave - then it's very important that we help people understand what they want. It's very important we don't impose our views and values on others.

If you want an example of how important language is, try this. I learnt it from Marie at a coachingpartner seminar. Think of something at the moment which you feel like you shoulddo. Or must do. Say it out loud a few times. I should go to the gym this evening. I must stop drinking in the week. I should write a blog post and post it on LinkedIn. Then replace the should or must with could or choose to or want, and repeat the sentence a few more times. I choose to go to the gym this evening. I could stop drinking during the week. I want to write a blog post and post it on LinkedIn. The different feeling you have is the feeling of agency, the feeling of creating your world. This is the feeling we can gift to others when we replace a phrase like 'You don't want that' with one like 'Thanks for sharing what you want. I don't think that's the right thing for you now, and here's why...'

We have it in our power to create our own reality through the language we use and the thoughts we have. We also have it within our power to create the reality of others. So use it wisely, and use it with care, and use it with love.