Life is better if you only say you'll do things that you will actually do, and if you do all the things you say

Recently, as I was recording an episode of the 12-Minute Method Podcast I found myself reflecting on a distinction I first heard from Fred Kofman.

Kofman was talking about how his coaching clients (and, indeed, everyone) often uses what he calls Weasel Language. That is, they say things that sound like commitments but really aren't. 'I'll try' is a little weasely. So is 'I'll see what I can do.' 'I'll give it a go' is weasely. They're all nice, of course. Very nice.

But they're not that helpful.

I think it was Jim Dethmer who I first heard say that we say 'I'll try' when we want credit for not doing the thing.

It came to me a few months ago (and made it onto my list of possible future 12-minute articles) that life is better if you only say you'll do things that you will actually do, and if you do all the things you say.

If you live as though, instead of using weasely language, you make every commitment a promise.

Life is better if you only say you'll do things that you will actually do

This one forces you to choose. With every commitment it forces you to ask, 'will I actually do this?' Which in turn forces you to ask, 'Is this important to me?' And, if you're thinking clearly, it forces you to ask, 'Is there something else that I would otherwise have done that I am willing to NOT do so I can do this?'

It feels nice, just like weasely language, to not do this. To weasel around with what we say we'll do. But saying yes to things we will never do is why so many of us feel like we're failing all the time.

Because at some point we have to confront the fact that we can't do everything. And if we've said yes to lots of things that we can't fit in, then at some point we realise we're going to let people who we've said yes to down.

Or, worse, we refuse to let them down. Instead, we sacrifice what really matters to us. Our friends, or families, our loved ones. And, worst of all, ourselves.

When self-worth is low, we can look to behaviour. Do you always prioritise yourself last? In that case, probably it's no wonder you don't feel great about yourself. What if, for just one hour a week, you prioritised yourself? You did what YOU want. What YOU need. What YOU love.

Of course, to do that you'd have to know those things. And knowing those things can be scary. Once you've seen it, you can't unsee it.

Jennifer Garvey Berger recently told me that's the trigger for human development, for growth. Something breaks in our model of how the world is and we can't put it back once it's broken. We can't unsee what we've seen.

So remember, as I learned from Sarah Cartwright, and again from one of Kim Morgan's cards, and again from Michael Bungay Stanier: when we say yes to one thing we say no to something else, and when we say no to something we allow ourselves the possibility to say yes to something else.

Life is better if you do the things you say you'll do

Of course, this isn't always possible. Sometimes things happen. Then we have to think about how we can honour or word, even when we can't keep it.

But over time, it's possible to practise integrity in such a way that you keep your word almost always.

It requires a deep commitment to truth, to honesty with yourself and others.

If you're still pretending you can do everything and that you don't have to choose all the time it's going to be difficult. If you're still pretending you don't have a choice in every situation, it's going to be difficult.

But through the challenges, the facing of reality - that we only have one life, that we will die and there's no avoiding it, that we can't do everything, that lots of things in life will feel uncomfortable or frightening. Through that hero's journey of growth. Through those challenges lies something different.

On the other side can be a life where you keep your word. Where you live with the impossibility of doing everything and choose to do the things that matter.

When people point out how productive I am, that's mostly what I think about. I've chosen, forcefully, in my life. Many times. I've let things, people, projects, ideas, work, money and more go. And instead I've chosen what matters. I've thought about the end of my life and focused. I've thought about this year and focused.

And inside that, inside the ability to do the things I say I will do, I have changed.

I have become someone who keeps going when a smaller part of them wants to give up.

I've become someone who does the hard things in the knowledge that they will grow.

At least, I think I have. It's hard to know, to be sure what has caused what in something as complex as how a human ends up as the human they end up as.

Underneath, honesty, honour, integrity are among my core values. And living our values is what helps us be at peace with ourselves at the end of our days. At the end of our lives.

What I know for sure is that only saying I'll do what I'll actually do, and doing what I say, helps me be at peace with myself.

And that is definitely not nothing.

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This is the latest in a series of articles written using the 12-Minute Method: write for twelve minutes, proof read once with tiny edits and then post online. 

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