How to Make Every Meeting More Effective: The Mutually Beneficial Conversation
I was once sitting in the pub in King's Cross station while my wife (probably girlfriend at the time) went to the bar. From the table I was sitting at, I found myself listening into the conversation of a couple sitting a few yards away.
When Emma came back, I found myself saying to her... 'The conversation those two people are having. It's really boring.'
Now it's quite possible that everyone's conversation sounds pretty boring from the outside (just like everyone's novel looks truly ridiculous if you read it over their shoulder on the train).
Emma's response, though, was something like, 'Well, you're good at having interesting conversations, so you never have to be part of a boring one.'
And whilst this may have just been a nice chat-up line, there is some truth in it. I remember realising at a party around the age of 20 that if I asked people questions about the things I was most interested in about them or their life, the conversation got much more interesting. That, in some ways, is where I first actively applied coaching skills to a conversation.
Once you get good at having interesting conversations, it becomes weird to be part of ones that aren't.
The same is true of effective meetings.
When I heard the consultant Fred Kofman say that he had a framework for meetings or conversations that would make ALL of them more effective, I started to take notice. Whenever anyone makes an outlandish claim like that - like I am here - then it's worth paying attention. Because if Kofman was right, then it would matter to me, to my clients, and to anyone who reads this blog.
Kofman said he had heard someone else say that about the same framework, doubted it, and then when he used it, realised it was true.
The framework in question is the Mutually Beneficial Conversation.
This is the framework that I share almost any time one of my clients has a 'difficult' conversation coming up. And once you've seen it - simple as it is - it becomes incredibly apparent that there are many, many places this doesn't happen. Suddenly, seeing an ineffective meeting is rather shocking, just like the boring conversation in the pub. Because once you start applying this to all your meetings, you won't go back, and people will love having meetings with you.
Here's the structure:
Agree a Mutually Beneficial Purpose for the conversation. This is where almost all the work needs to happen. If you get this right, everything else will flow.
Next, you share what you think about this purpose and how to achieve it. The other person listens.
The other person shares what they think about the situation. You listen - REALLY LISTEN.
You agree, between you, an action plan to take things forward.
Simple, but not easy.
As I said, almost all the work happens in number 1. Get this right, and everything looks different. The reason for this is it releases the pressure on both people: they know what they're going to get in the conversation and can relax - they don't have to be on the alert, waiting for the moment to squeeze what they want in.
It also moves disagreement into cooperation. If we're not careful, we can end up pushing against each other (as Kofman shows in this fantastic Difficult Conversations video). But with a mutually beneficial purpose, we become two humans looking at the same problem trying to solve it together.
Neither of us will be in our threat state, in conflict and unable to learn. Both of us will be in our social engagement state: connecting and creating together.
At work, on some level the mutually beneficial purpose is easy: it's always about succeeding together. 'Hi Amanda - great to see you. I was hoping we could use this conversation to find a way that we can work through this situation that works really well for both of us. How does that sound to you?'
The question at the end is important: that's where we create the agreement. Don't start talking about it before you check in. They may want something different.
After you've got agreement between the two of you, it's time for a reminder: all the difficult conversations literature I've read starts with reminding us to use coaching skills. That is: mostly listen and ask questions. Once you've said your bit, really listen to them - we're trying to succeed together, and we want everyone's creativity to be involved in that.
If you've done 1-3 right, 4 is often obvious. (Although not always, of course.)
If you've ever done any coaching training or have a coach yourself, then you might notice that every coaching session (that's run well) is a Mutually Beneficial Conversation, with an agreed goal, time for both people to speak (although almost all the client) and an agreed way forward.
But the key idea here is: this will improve all your conversations. For the people thinking 'what about having a free-flowing conversation where we don't know what will emerge?'
Well, that's great. But that won't happen if one person REALLY wants some advice on how to fix their computer and is waiting for that. So how about starting by saying, 'Hey John, I'd love to have a free-flowing conversation here where we just see what emerges. Would that work for you?'
Then John can say 'yes', or 'No, you're my IT support. Please can you help me fix my computer?'
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This is the latest in a series of articles written using the 12-Minute Method: write for twelve minutes, proof read once with tiny edits and then post online.
Read the archive of the 12-minute blog here.
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