Creativity, Fear and Freedom

First published on March 24, 2017

The first time I wrote one of these pieces, I was scared. So scared. I was scared of writing it and I was scared of publishing it. I couldn't tell you what I was scared of, but I was.

My coach, Joel, nudged me into committing to publishing five, which is good, because I knew it was good for me, but the pressure to go and write five meant I couldn't give up after just one. And by the time I'd written five in the space of two weeks, I was thinking about how I would carry it on. What started as a way to batter through my resistance to sharing myself with the world has become a writing practice. I do it partly because Seth Godin talks powerfully about how writing his daily blog has affected his thinking as much as his writing. And I do it partly because people have told me how much they like the writing, and somewhat surprisingly to me, they do. Lesa told me last week that my thoughts on partnerships made it into a talk she gave to a group she was working with. And I do it for myself, because I can see and feel the value of creating. Of something from nothing, coming into the world because I create it. 

And it doesn't scare me so much any more. I still don't look forward to it - I have resistance in the form of boredom not fear, now. 'Oh, God, have I got to write today? Can't I just read on the train?' And I remind myself that yes, I do. 

But the fear has gone. At least in the way it was. I've battered through that resistance. I've transcended the fear which stopped me posting on Facebook about anything personal, let alone creating something and posting it online. I've leveled up. I'm someone who writes now. 

But the fact that the fear is different, is less paralysing, is less altogether. That's bothering me this morning. Because if I've leveled up, the question surely is, how do I level up again? 

What's next? 

This is the question that has been occupying me lately, as I move towards a new stage in my life. 

What's the next barrier to overcome? What is the next resistance to battle through? 

I haven't always asked these questions of myself. They are difficult questions to ask, and even more difficult to answer. But as I write this, and although I know that these are important questions to ask, I wonder if that kind of fear will ever return again. Because as my colleague Jo says, creativity is the route to agency. Once you have created something, you have been vulnerable, and you have seen what you can do. And you have seen that - whatever your fear is - the worst almost never happens.

And then you're free.