The Struggle to Say 'No'

First published on April 12, 2017

Saying 'No' is hard. Or at least it is for me. Some things I struggle to say 'No' to include: meeting a friend I haven't seen for a while when I've said I will but I'm really tired; a client who would like to work with me but I don't feel I will do great work with; a meeting with someone who wants to meet with me but I have a lot on, and need some time to myself. 

As I look back at these problems, it occurs to me that these are problems of abundance. I have too many people I'd like to see, too many things I'd like to do. In the case of the clients, I have enough clients to be able to say 'No'. What a luxurious position. It reminds me of some of the more practical problems of the modern age. For example, there is so much delicious, cheap food that people can get obese. This just couldn't happen 150 years ago, at least not on the scale it does today.

This doesn't lessen the problem for people suffering from obesity, and it doesn't reduce the strain on the NHS. It is a problem, but it is a problem of abundance. And it is a different and somehow less frightening type of problem to famine.

And so is the problem of saying 'No', which seems so difficult to me, causing me stress, and which my inability to do effectively leaves me busy, worn out and less productive than I could otherwise be. 

But this is far less frightening than having nothing to say 'Yes' to. No friends who I'd like to meet and would like to meet me, no clients to work with - who I can do great work with or not - no meetings, filled with the possibility that meetings always are, to go to. 

And that bears remembering. But so does this: when we struggle to say 'No', it is usually because there is another commitment. To not forget our friends, to keep ourself in work no matter what, to stay open to possibilities. That is why we say 'Yes' to things, even when it may not be the wise way forward. So the question becomes, when struggling to say 'No', what am I trying to say 'Yes' to?