It's the Small Things That Will Change Your Life. And It Doesn't Matter Which Ones.
First published on December 21, 2018
It's that time of year. The end of year reviews, full of the amazing things people have done. The tips for what will help you transform your life in 2019. And by the middle of January, there will be even more.
I felt annoyed this morning. I thought about humans, and how we like stories, and how we love the idea of stories like David and Goliath: the skillful/lucky moment (of genius) that allows someone who shouldn't be able to do something to succeed extraordinarily. How we love that part of the story. We love it, I think, because it implies there's a shortcut. A magic thing, that if we can just work out what it is everything will be different.
But if there's anything I've learned from three and a half years of spending hundreds of hours supporting people to create change in their lives - and thousands more thinking and learning about how to do that - it's this: that's not how it works. How it works is this: make a commitment to making a small change every day. AND STICK TO IT.
That's it. That's all you need to do. We love the idea of learning from someone else, from how someone amazing - whether it's Steve Jobs, or Tim Ferriss, or Usain Bolt, or Michelle Obama - has done things, how they have changed their lives. And there are wonderful things to learn from all of them. But what matters is finding the small thing that you can commit to every day. That's what will make a massive difference to the normal life of a normal person. Whether you're Steve, Tim, Usain, Michelle, me or you. Small changes.
By all means learn from these people, and all the amazing people out there telling great stories. There have never been more stories to read. And some of them are wonderfully told. But don't imagine that any of the wonderful stories happen in any way other than someone doing something small, on a regular basis. Even if some don't happen like that, it is FAR BETTER to believe that they all do. So choose to believe it.
Use the stories to find the one small thing that you can do, every day, or every week, which over time will add up into what you want. The possibilities are endless, and the suggestions are too. One of my clients told me with fury how frustrating it was that everyone was telling her about 'exactly what to do' to build a coaching business. It's impossible. We freeze when it's like that. And the truth is it doesn't matter which she chooses. She just needs to choose it and commit to it and keep doing it. Did you get that: it doesn't matter what way to change your life you choose. You just need to choose one.
I had a client whose life was transformed, in a week, by creating a morning practice. It came from nowhere in one of our conversations - nothing to do with me - as he told a story about a friend who was doing a PhD in happiness. One of the things that works, according to his friend, to make you happy is writing down five things you're grateful for every day. My client did that, for a week, over his morning cup of tea, and came back looking and feeling and speaking completely differently. I'd never seen anything like it.
I received some amazing coaching from my friend Phil earlier in the year - after the experience with the client above, so I really should have known better - and out of it came a commitment for me to ask myself, every work day: What is in best service of my goals today? That focus, of that question, every day - and it takes me 2 minutes or so - has made me more productive, more focused, and more fulfilled: I know what I'm doing, and when I look back on the previous day I know what I have and haven't done. And I know a little more of why. I don't do it every day, of course - I miss it. I missed it yesterday. But that doesn't stop me. I just recommit.
Clinical Psychologist Jordan Peterson talks about comparison. It's hard in this day and age - SO HARD - not to compare ourselves to other people. He gives us another choice: compare yourself to You of yesterday, not someone else of today. He offers a different question to ask, every day: What could I do, that I would do (that I would choose to do in my life), to make life a little bit better today? You could change it, if you want, to something different. Perhaps: what could I do, that I would do, to make the world a little bit better? Then do it.
Working with a client, I worked out that if we make a 1% improvement to our life every day for a year, our life will be 37 times better by the end. That's the maths. And 1% doesn't feel like too much. Even if you only make a 1% change once a week, your life will be almost twice as good by the end of the year. Wow. Who wouldn't want that?
Last year, I wrote about a question I was going to ask this year, every week. I didn't manage it every week, but I did answer it a lot. It was: What one thing that drains me of energy will I stop doing this week? That question has led to big things like me massively improving my financial planning and worrying less. It has also led to smaller - but no less significant things - like choosing to consume alcohol and sugar differently, stopping playing on the computer or social media sooner than I otherwise would have. These may look smaller, but they are massively impactful for me as I try and feel better more, and as I negotiate the addictive parts of my personality.
I'm aware of the irony of giving these examples, when I started this article feeling frustrated by all the stories out there, but the message I want to give you is this: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU CHOOSE. You just have to choose some way of making your life a tiny bit better, every day or every week or every month. And then you have to make yourself do it. And you have to recommit when you slip.
It's not easy. It's really hard, especially for some people. But it's magical and heroic: more magical and heroic than luckily hitting a giant with a stone. Because it's what ordinary people do. It's hard. It's a struggle. It's what anyone can do. And it can change your life.