I Am What I Am

First published on April 29, 2019

On Tuesday I got out of the shower, in an Airbnb in Edinburgh, and pulled on the clothes I had brought with me from London, to wear for the first of two days of workshops I was co-facilitating.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and felt a rising feeling of anxiety as I considered the clothes I was wearing, and whether they were OK, whether they were appropriate, whether they would convey what I wanted to, whether they would help me create the kind of first impression on these twenty-four leaders that I wanted to create.

I stood there, looking in the mirror, for several minutes, wrestling with the feeling, wondering if I should change. Am I too smart? Should I put jeans on instead? Am I too scruffy, should I re-iron this shirt?

From deep within me, the words came. I looked in the mirror, and thought, I am what I am.

I shrugged my shoulders. I am what I am.

I am not someone who is deeply polished. I am not someone so professional they would wear a suit. Neither am I some tech genius in Silicon Valley, comfortable and proud in a hoodie and converse. I am what I am.

These clothes are a reflection of me, me exactly now, with all my crumples and insecurities. They are absolutely the best choice I could make right now, by virtue of being the choice I made. I am what I am.

The day went well. My clothes fit and I felt like myself. In fact, I felt I was more present than I have usually been in that kind of role in front of a group. 

And, the next morning I stood in front of the mirror again. This time, I was wearing a slightly different outfit. My shirt today was more crumpled, or the crumples just showed up more because of the colour. I stood there again, the feeling of anxiety was even stronger. 

I am what I am. 

I am the kind of person who irons a shirt, but sometimes runs out of patience and doesn't quite manage to get it pristine.

I am what I am. 

I am in good shape. But I am not perfect. I am crumpled and rough around the edges. 

I am what I am. 

I care. I am not careless or fancy free. But I am not pristine. Sometimes, I take a step before I am pristine. And almost always it works. 

Whether the shirt is crease-free, the email is typo-free, the speech is stutter-free, the video is confusion-free - or not - I do step forward. 

I do leave the room. I am not trapped there by inaction. I step out. 

And like every time, life goes on. 

I am what I am. If people don't like me, don't trust me, because of what I am, then there's nothing I can do about that. If they trust me because my shirt is ironed pristinely, then they aren't trusting me, they are trusting the shirt. I am not pristine, and I don't want to pretend to be. 

But if they trust the man with the shirt which is crumpled at the shoulder, then that's different. That's trusting me, the real me. 

I am what I am.