The Three Groups of People You Need On Your Journey

First published on June 11, 2019

Sometime last year my brother shared an idea with me. I think he heard it on a Tim Ferriss interview, but I can't remember who said it. (If you know, do let me know in the comments.) It went something like this:

In life, if we are on a journey - say, of growth, or towards more success - we need three groups of people in our life.

First, we need people ahead of us on the journey. They may be the people we aspire to be like. The people we admire. And they have a vital function. They show us it can be done.

Second, we need people alongside us on the journey. They are the peers that show us we aren’t going insane. That whatever we are going through is normal. They push us on to what is next, commiserate about the struggles and drive us on to even greater heights. They show us you are not alone.

But Ewan told me the story because of the third group. They were the group I hadn’t thought of.

I was going a little mad at time. Working with Rich Litvin – one of the people in the first group for me – on one of his group coaching programmes, containing seven other amazing coaches who, on my best days, I knew were part of the second group. But the stress of this, of being in a group of people pushing themselves (and being pushed and pulled along by Rich), made life hard for me. Really hard. Until I went along to a meeting of a network of coaches I’m part of. And in the space of an hour or so I relaxed.

We need people behind us on the journey. They show us we have made progress. That we are doing well. That we are doing better than we were yesterday. They are not people we look down on, they are people whose journey and struggles we empathise with, but they make us realise that the work we are doing is working. They tell us, when we see them, 'You’re not here any more'. You’re moving. They tell us you’re doing ok.

Those three groups are powerful. You might, like me, be missing one of these in our life. If you are, seek them out. You may not need them all the time, but a shot in the arm of each every now and again can make all the difference.

The first group will stretch you into the future, will help you as you envision what could be. Sit for a moment, and think of someone you deeply admire. Write out their qualities. Remember the lessons of shadow work: in order to admire qualities in someone – truly admire them – you have to deeply understand them. You can only do this if you have the spark of those qualities in you somewhere. You could be the person you admire.

The second group will ground you in the present, in your deep humanity. Find some others on the same journey as you. They might be colleagues in the same profession. They might be others who seek out a similar learning opportunity. They might be others setting out on the same adventure as you – perhaps marriage, or having children, perhaps changing career, or travelling the world. There are others out there.

The third group will remind you of Jordan Peterson’s lesson on comparison in 12 Rules For Life. Compare yourself to you of the past, not others today. That’s what that third give you: you used to be like this, in some way, earlier on your quest. Have deep compassion for those people. Help them along however you can. But remember: you are not the you of yesterday. You have more capability, more space, more strength, more grace.

And all that work, all those struggles, all the suffering, all the triumph, all the tragedy... All of it has made a difference. To you, and to those around you, and to the world.