Drugs, Organising and Thermodynamics

First published on June 15, 2018

The laws of physics creep into our lives even when we don’t notice it. The first law of thermodynamics is: energy is conserved, it cannot be created or destroyed. I was reminded this week how true that is in our lives.

Steve Chandler writes regularly about his experiences with addiction and recovery. It was Steve, in one of his articles, who introduced me to the idea that when we take drugs, we are often borrowing from the future. Even the drugs we consume every day or week have this effect. Just think what happens when you drink a cup of coffee, or a glass of wine. A rush of energy. And what happens later: an energetic low. Unless we consume more of the drug, in which case we borrow more from the future, and later we pay even more back. Sometimes we may not notice, we may pay it back by getting worse sleep, again borrowing very subtly from future days.

It’s more than just energy that I borrow from the future, particularly with alcohol. I borrow self-assurance, and confidence. I borrow energy, yes – literal, stay awake energy, even though it is a depressant. I borrow charm. I borrow the ability to think. I borrow belief that things will turn out right. And the next days, those things are conspicuous by their absence from my life.

When I drink coffee in the morning, I joy in the rush of excitement about life, and energy. I love it as I read, or coach, or create. And then later, in the afternoon or early evening, I pay it back, with those things conspicuous by their absence from my life.

I am in the midst of organising a wedding. I am not finding this particularly fun. My friend Cat told me she hated the build up to her wedding. And then the day itself – the culmination of months of doing things she hated – was one of the most amazing times in her life. It occurred to me that Cat then, and Emma and I now, are lending fun and energy to the future, in a strange reversal of my experience with alcohol.

I am sacrificing doing things now which would be more fun: watching the World Cup, reading, my favourite series on Netflix, literally anything other than organising (or sometimes it feels like that). And in exchange, I will get a day which I can see will be a truly special day. It is taking my energy, my contentment, my happiness, my joy now (although sometimes it gives me some, too). And I trust - through the experiences of others, and as I see the day that is coming together - that it will be a day which will pay back that energy, contentment, happiness and joy in one, amazing, 18 hour flash.

I didn’t like my work as much when it included almost solely organising. I used to organise events, plays, concerts, youth theatre performances. Later, I organised transformational training experiences. I decided I couldn’t spend my life pouring my energy into that. Now I see that was because I wasn’t present for many of those events: I didn’t get the pay back of energy I was putting in. But it was still conserved. It was passed to audience members, young performers, and later leaders.

In my life, I don’t mind this so much. I prefer a life of highs and lows – as long as the lows aren’t too low – to one of steadiness. Live is about love, last minutes and lost evenings, after all. But in my work, it was important to receive the energy back for the things I create. That’s the only sustainable way. The only way I could be sure I could keep going.

So be careful with yourself. Notice the people, the places, the things you do that only take your energy: where you pass it on to them, to there, to that, and don’t receive it back. Or you don’t receive it back soon enough to keep going.

Be careful of the things that used to pay back at other times in our history. Worries and fears and anxiety take energy from the present. Our ancestors would be paid back by staying alive, where those who hadn't lent energy to the future in worry died. Worry and fear take up an enormous amount of our energy, and that is a price worth paying when your life is at stake. But mostly – and we should count ourselves lucky about this – our lives aren’t at stake when we worry and fear these days. And that sacrifice of energy, of happiness, of time, of joy may not be worth it.

The message here is this: be aware when you are borrowing or lending energy from or to the future, or to someone else. Then make a choice.